Letting Go of What Should have Been and Embracing What Can Be

It’s happened; that thing you never saw coming. You were blindsided and totally unprepared.

Are you in your 40’s, 50’s or 60’s and feel like your entire world has been turned upside down? I don’t just mean something unexpected happened; I mean the life you’ve been living no longer exists and you‘re devastated.

You can’t believe the future you envisioned is gone. Maybe you lost your job, your relationship is over, you’ve suffered a devastating financial set-back, or experienced some other life-altering trauma. Now what?

You Really Do Have Control

You probably feel helpless and have no idea how to “fix” the situation. You can’t imagine ever being happy again, and you’re certain someone or something is controlling your future.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Think of all the situations that are out of your control; the feelings and decisions of the other person in a relationship, the circumstances that led up to the loss of your job, or a financial setback. While you may have had the illusion of control over these circumstances, you never did.

The truth is, you aren’t helpless. No one is. You are now, and have always been, in control of your reactions to the people and circumstances in your life. You, and only you, get to control your actions and decisions.

It Takes Time But You Can Start

Of course, getting through the crisis and into a healthy place again will take time. You’ll need to lean on the people who love you. It’s always a good idea to seek professional help if you’re really struggling. There is no shame in needing guidance and support. But, while you’re trying to make sense of everything, you can begin to open up and see things from a different perspective.

Did This Happen For a Reason?

Have you considered that this crisis happened for a reason? That it was time for you to move on to the next phase of your life with the people, career or priorities that are supposed to be a part of it? That midlife is the perfect time for your next focus and experience? Maybe it wasn’t time before, and you weren’t ready until now?

If your relationship ended, maybe it’s because you needed a dramatic event to realize what was really important and can now make it better than it ever was. Maybe you were supposed to move on from that relationship to another. Ask yourself: Do I stay in the relationship as it is, try to make it better, or walk away. You do have control.

If you lost your job, ask yourself: Did I find myself barely schlepping my ass to work every single day? Then you weren’t fulfilled. Do you long to have a job, doing something that fills your heart and soul and brings joy every day? Maybe you were supposed change careers in order to share your unique gifts with the world.

Have you experienced a financial setback? Could it be because you were so focused on making money and accumulating wealth that you were prioritizing things that did not bring you happiness or joy? Did you need this kick in the ass to become crystal clear on what’s really important to you?

Another Perspective

No matter what crisis you find yourself in, there is always another perspective. If you’re honest with yourself, something may have been missing from your old life and you may never have addressed it without being forced to.

First, you must open yourself up to possibilities and start thinking forward instead of continuing to play the past in your mind over and over and wishing for a different outcome.  It’s hard to let go but sometimes you just have to loosen your grip a little and keep your eyes and heart open to a new path.

You haven’t lost everything.  Hang on to the parts of your life that bring you joy. Take family, friends, places, hobbies, and traditions you love into your future.

Focus on what you do want and start moving forward. Even baby steps count.  Take your energy from what was, and put it toward what can be.

Some of the best parts of my life have been born out of crisis and desperation, when I had no choice but to go in a different direction. It’s hard to recognize when you’re in the middle of it, but if you look back, I’m sure there were times when something traumatic happened in your life, and while you mourned the loss of what no longer was, you landed in a much better place.

It’s Your Choice

Maybe the crisis occurred to prepare you for the next phase of your life. Let go of what should have been and be open to what could be.

Wishing for your life to revert back to what it was before the crisis is futile.

You get to choose. Stay with regret, loss and cling to what “should” have been, or be empowered and find the path to the happiness, joy and fulfillment that can be.

So, which choice will you make?

This is your life. Take charge of it.